Remembering

Yesterday marked two weeks since I said goodbye to Dude. It hasn't been easy.

The worst was the first day I came back to the barn, which was the Sunday after he died. Terrible.

I am so grateful for the support I've received. So many people have shared their sympathies.

Everyone at the barn has been great with messages of support, cards, hugs, and shared memories. Many have told me how they thought he was special. All these kind words have made me feel better.

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, having to walk by the empty stall every day, until I talked to my daughter a week after he left us. She said that the hardest thing was that no one around her gets it. They may have had to say goodbye to a dog, but not to a horse. It's different, losing a horse. Her observation made me feel so very grateful that I am surrounded by people who truly understand what it's like.

I have his flannel wraps in the car still; somehow, it's comforting. I can walk by the stall now without getting teary eyed, most of the time. And I see things like the shavings bag above without getting teary eyed. They were a twosome for so long, Dude and Bestie. I caught myself tonight talking to someone about how I miss them when I can't come to the barn. But it's not "them" anymore, it's her.

I'm watching Bestie. She has seemed a little down over the last two weeks. Nothing I can put my finger on, apart from a loss of spark. She's still eating with gusto. The only concrete thing I've noticed is that she doesn't whinny when I come into the barn. They used to both whinny or nicker as soon as they heard my voice each day that I came to the barn. Now, she looks up (she's usually eating hay) when I get to her stall, but she hasn't nickered or whinnied at me since we lost Dude. The funny thing about that day was that after staying in with him quietly each day, on that day, barn owner Julie said Bestie was raring to go out, like her timer had run out. I thought briefly about bringing her in to see his body after the vet was done, but didn't do it. I'm wondering what she's thinking about the empty stall next door.

Tonight Bestie and I had a lesson. It's our first lesson in about three years. She seemed more animated during it, and afterwards, than she has been over the last two weeks. Maybe for her, as with me, it's a matter of time. 

Not too long after I put my dog Dixie down, I read the following quote from Thomas Jefferson to John Adams, expressing sympathy over the death of Adams' daughter. It really touched me then and continues to touch me with the depth of feeling it conveys.

There is no degree of affliction produced by the loss of those dear to us which experience has not taught me to estimate. I have ever found time and silence the only medicine, and these but assuage, they never can suppress, the deep drawn sigh which recollection forever brings up, until recollection and life are extinguished together.