Grooming night

At some point between leaving work, going home to let the dogs out, and arriving at the barn, my energy level hit tock bottom tonight. So I decided to make it a Beautification Night for Bestie, and she certainly didn't seem too broken up about not going for a ride. Plus, tomorrow night is the better choice for riding as it looks like temperatures will be in the upper 30s versus the upper 20s that we experienced today. I think that little increase will help with my energy level.

Bestie sort of dozed off on the cross ties while I groomed her. She had rolled outside, and while her turnout sheet had taken the brunt of the mud, she did manage to cake mud on both sides of her neck, her mane, and her knees and hocks. And there was quite a bit packed in her hooves. 

I feel like her feet have all of a sudden gotten quite long and sort of splayed out, particularly in the front, with some rough edges and little cracks. Generally her hooves are picture perfect so I'm not sure what's causing the excess growth and raggedness. It has been a month of temperature ups and downs, plus a mix of dry and wet spells; maybe all of that has had an impact. I checked the calendar and saw with relief that farrier Jen is due to come on Wednesday. Good timing - Bestie will get a pedicure this week, too. :)

Bestie and I have a program

She's so cute. She looks kind of out of proportion in this photo but that's photographer error. :)

I started taking lessons with Bestie in the middle of October. This is our third go-round; I'm not the most consistent of lesson students. First round was with former barn manager Emma (probably 5 years ago), then with former barn manager Caitlin (probably 3 years ago), and currently with Paula, who was our barn manager until November 1 and now is boarding her own horse and teaching.

I feel like I'm getting a second chance with Bestie. Since the girls left and I've been the horse mom, she definitely played second fiddle to Dude. He was just more demanding. For instance, when I got to the barn, he was the one who emphatically wanted to get out of the stall. So I'd get him out first. He dropped weight easily, so he got hand grazed more. Stuff like that. She's been very accepting of her role as The One Who Has To Wait.

But now, she's my girl. I have a sense that initially she may have thought, "What the heck is going on here with all this RIDING?" But I think she likes it now. It's good for us to have a program. Healthier for her than just me getting on for a ride every now and again. It's given me some focus after Dude's loss. And I feel like his loss has put a bittersweet spin on my relationship with Bestie. You just never know how long you'll have them in your life. I'd love to develop a partnership, more than my role as the Treats and Grooming Lady.  A partnership definitely has to be worked on and earned, as she is a complicated mare.

Paula gives a little homework, and we practice. It's simple stuff. Basically me asking quietly but firmly for respect. Halting. Smooth turns. Consistency at the walk and trot.  I never took lessons growing up so have bad habits and need instruction on the finesse of riding. And Bestie can be a tempermental and opinionated girl. I spend a lot of time reading her and working around her opinions. It's never boring, and I like that for the duration of the ride or the lesson, that is all I think about.

Paula is really calm and patient, which is just what we need. She's a great observer of the way Bestie rolls and helps me to not escalate the situation when Bestie's timer goes off. I will say that her  24-minute timer slowly has been extended to a solid 30 minutes. I'm really pleased with that. I think my confidence has grown and also that the lessons have made us more in tune with each other. Our last lesson was a solid hour and she really didn't express her opinions too strongly. It's very gratifying.

Working through loss

October was a hard month. There were a few days in the first couple weeks after saying goodbye to Dude that I gladly would have stayed in bed if I hadn't needed to get up with the dogs. I felt like I was on autopilot.

But while on autopilot for the daily stuff (take care of the dogs, go to work, come home and take care of the dogs, go to barn for Bestie), there were a few instances when I felt hit over the head again with his loss.

One was of course the first night I came back to the barn. Bad.
One was writing the board check for just Bestie.
One was paying the bill for the vet visits (and I still have a bill coming for the final visit).
One was seeing a new horse in his stall and the new horse's name written on a paper sign stuck over Dude's stall door sign.

With all of these I felt a heavy, heavy weight of sadness. Tears came easily.

I've been reading a book entitled The Undefeated Mind. The quickie summary is that it's about being resilient. One chapter talks about stages of change as applied to loss, and this chapter really resonated with me. The first stage is precontemplation, where accepting a loss has not yet occurred. I would say that was the stage I was at through the last week in October. Then comes contemplation, which is not so tied up with the emotions of loss but you recognize that you're still attached to what you've lost. Then comes preparation, where you recognize that action is needed to let go. And the final stage is action.

I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. I feel like I've gotten to a place that is not so emotional, but not quite ready to let go. Or, I should say, not quite ready to let go unless I can do it in the way I feel is necessary, which is to honor Dude. I couldn't just sell all his stuff. I feel that I need to shed anything I don't need to keep in a mindful way. My first small step was in giving his almost-full bag of rice bran to a boarder at the barn who feels her horse is losing weight. It made me feel good to give it to her. And I gave his turnout sheet to another boarder who has been a friend and always fun to be around, and her horse has a personality full of funny quirks like Dude. It makes me feel happy to see him in the sheet.

I like the thought of doling out his things in a way that matters, like a bit of Dude is going to still be present in a way that makes me happy and touches others. Small steps. There is a lot more to do, but really, there's no rush.

There have been moments of shared memories with people who knew him and some laughs about his idiosyncrasies. And just yesterday I got a card from our vets with really kind thoughts shared by everyone in the practice.

I've thought a lot about grief in the last year and a half, between losing my mom and now losing Dude. I've welcomed the questions of "how are you doing?" - I feel like each time I can answer that question, it helps me move along the spectrum of grief. I'm thankful to the people who have asked, and who have listened to my answer. 5 weeks later, I still have moments when I can't believe he's gone. But I feel like I'm no longer at a stage where there's so much raw emotion, and while I still feel sadness, I can celebrate the good memories and the joy that he brought to my life.